Chris BeazerOne mother speaks about her battle with Post Partum Depression
September 29th 2007 22:10
Before I get started on this chat I want to tell you a little bit about my friend, Sarah. Sarah is an English girl from the UK whom I instantly adored and we became great friends almost immediately. Sarah is the kind of girl that is full of life and energy. She is the girl that exudes a passion and love for life. The kind that makes every single day seem a little bit better just because she’s your friend. When Sarah came to the US from the UK, she met and fell in love with Bill. Sarah and Bill have been together for nearly six years and have been married for two. Like most married couples, it didn’t take too long for them to start considering having a child together. They talked about it more and more in July of 2006. Both Sarah and Bill wanted to start trying right away in case it took them a little bit to conceive, but they found out that it didn’t take long at all. Sarah found out she was pregnant in September, which meant she had conceived in August, as she was six weeks pregnant then. From there, things were okay for a moment.
How was your pregnancy?
I had a wonderful pregnancy. I loved every minute of it. I have to say I felt my most confident when I was with bump. I felt beautiful. I wish I still felt like that now! Now I feel flobby. I did not really suffer with any morning sickness. I just felt a bit nauseous at times. The worst I felt was during my last 2 weeks of being pregnant. I was 2 weeks overdue and I felt pretty pukey then, and had to slow down with my exercise regime. Up until 40 weeks I was running about 3 miles a day and I practiced yoga every day. To be honest, I really miss being pregnant. I loved that intimacy of feeling Gwen move around inside. It was a private moment between the two of us.
Tell me about the delivery.
As you know, the delivery was less than what I had hoped for. I had imagined this perfect birth where I was able to give birth naturally and hold her in my arms and breastfeed her immediately, all the while crying tears of joy with Bill! I studied Hypbirthing for 9 months! I planned to do yoga and meditate whilst laboring. I managed it for 8 hours until everything went pear-shaped! I was so disappointed.
It was horrible being so high on drugs that I couldn't really feel anything..... AND they took her straight from me and only let me hold her for about a minute before whisking her off to the Transition Nursery. It was ghastly. I felt so groggy afterwards and so out of it. The next morning when the anesthesiologist came in I begged him to take out my epidural, because the Fentanyl was making me so sleepy. I just wanted to FEEL already! Of course, I took it out too soon and started oral meds and then I was really sore! But at least I had a clear head. Kind of! I felt wired the whole time I was in hospital. Looking back, it doesn't even seem real. I was in a whirlwind of emotions and Gwennie was really difficult those first few days. I didn't get hardly any sleep and she cried nearly all the time, poor little thing was so hungry. She wouldn't eat properly because they suctioned her so heavily at delivery.
How were things when you got home?
Once I got home things improved slowly. My Mum stayed with us for 2 weeks. I don't know what I would have done without her to be honest. She was my lifesaver. I was very weepy and unstable the first week...... my hormones were all over the place. To be honest, the first 10 weeks were REALLY hard. Now I understand why everyone says, "If you can get through the first 12 weeks, you will be okay!" They are so right. It's hard to grasp that though when you haven't been through it before and don't know what to expect and you are having all these crazy feelings.
When did you know something was wrong?
Gwen was extremely colicky. She would start to get grumpy around 2-3pm and it would go on till about midnight each day. It was so exhausting. She would cry and cry and scream and it felt as though nothing I did would appease her. I tried EVERYTHING! I read a zillion books, all different philosophies, things would work for a while and then that method wouldn't work anymore after a while. I was so tired and I felt such a failure because I couldn't soothe my child. I began to get down on myself and it quickly spiraled. I felt really socially isolated. I would struggle all day with her and poor Bill would come home to a screaming baby and an emotional wreck of a wife. We continued to struggle with the breastfeeding. We went to see a lactation specialist and again, it helped for a while but after a few weeks of success, Gwen acted like my milk just wasn't satiating her. I was like, "Crap! I can't breastfeed..... I couldn't even give birth properly!" In the end, every time Gwen cried, I cried too. I would physically and mentally deflate. I told Bill it was all hopeless; that I had made a terrible mistake and that I should never have thought I could make a good mother. Poor guy, he just didn't know what to do with me. I knew in the end that I needed help when I would imagine Gwen flying through the air and hitting the wall and I would picture myself in the bath tub slitting my wrists. I kept thinking, "Which knife in the kitchen would be sharp enough to really cut my wrists with?" It was horrific to feel like that. I knew I needed to do something about it immediately.
What did you do then?
Eventually, I got help from my Mum's best friend, who is a seasoned nurse and Mother/Baby expert. She is British too. We talked a lot and she acted like a therapist for me! She was an angel. I made an appointment to see the Midwife at my OB's office. The Midwife said that everything I am feeling is perfectly normal and that so many women go through this. She has recommended that I get some counseling just to make sure that everything is ok. She prescribed Zoloft for me. It is wonderful because I really feel no effects of being on antidepressants (when I was on Lexapro a few years back, I felt really dizzy), but they just seem to take off the edge. Mind you as soon as I admitted I had a problem, things seemed to get better. I became at peace with myself. I gradually weaned Gwen onto formula only, she improved greatly and seemed more satisfied. She started to sleep longer and the crying jags in the afternoon/evening stopped! It felt like a miracle.
Everyone kept downplaying how I was feeling. My Mum was on holiday, so we were out of touch for a while. My SIL and Stoss were the ones who recognized something might be going on and I was able to talk to them, thank God. Stoss has a support group in the UK for women with Postpartum Depression and also for fathers with either wives who have PPD or have it themselves. Yes, men can get it too! There are no support groups for it here in Orlando, which is just crazy, I think. Anyway, just being able to talk it over with both Cindy and Stoss REALLY helped. They both experienced it after the birth of one of their children. It was such a relief to hear that someone else had experienced the dreadful thoughts/feelings that I was having. Stoss says it is a prevalent condition in women who experience difficult labors. In the UK women who go through this are give the opportunity to go back to the hospital and sit down with a nurse and go through their chart minute-by-minute to re-experience the L&
process they had. It is good closure for them and so great, because once they whisk you off to surgery and pump you full of drugs, you really don't remember any of it. It's so disappointing. You are hoping for this wondrous moment when your baby is passed to you and cry and then breastfeed and bond with her. What really happens after a c-section is that you get to look at her for 2 seconds before she is whisked away for hours whilst you are left crucified on the table feeling like you are on the Yellow Submarine and oh-my-God am I going to throw up now?
How did you feel about the situation?
Am I embarrassed about all this? Absolutely! Yet I want to share what has happened to me because I never imagined it would and maybe I can help someone else in turn. I am already thinking about starting up a PPD Support Group here in town. I am sure there is a great need for it. Almost every mother I have spoken to has experienced a similar thing.
How are you handling things now?
Now, I just take each day one at a time. I have gone from being a control freak to being very laid back and Que Sera. I am gaining confidence as a Mum and I am more able to take on problems by the horns now rather than collapse and admit defeat. Now I am back to enjoying being a Mummy. Gwen is smiling, chatting, and moving around so much. She is great fun to be with. We just got back from a trip to Seattle. Gwen was an angel on the flights. I was so nervous about flying with her too! But she was perfect. The whole trip she was amazing! Delightful, easy, I can't believe it! Thank you God! It gave me back some confidence, that's for sure! Now I feel confident about taking her everywhere with us. She traveled well. We took her to restaurants with us, to a wedding, shopping, for walks, the lot! She was great! And easy.
I have to say though....... the ENTIRE time since Gwen arrived...... there are certain times during the day when I just stare at her and could eat her all up. I cannot believe that I produced something so beautiful. She is so adorable it almost breaks my heart.
I truly have a new found appreciation for all mothers. Any woman who gets through those first few months without a colicky baby and/or PPD is truly blessed. I am never one to say "Woe is me!" I am glad I had those experiences because it means that I can hopefully help someone else in return one day, because I truly understand what it is like to go through that.
Anything else you want to say?
My advice to any Mummy going through difficult times is PLEASE don't be alone. Reach out and talk to someone you love and trust or to someone with experience. You'll be surprised just how many women have been through similar experiences to you. It really helps to share the load. You don't have to be alone. Just because you are feeling this way doesn't mean you are a bad mother. Of course you love your child, but there are a lot of things to cope with emotionally and physically after the arrival of your baby. The saying "It takes a village to raise a child" has true meaning for me. We shouldn't try coping all by ourselves.
I want to say thank you to Sarah for opening herself up to me and to all the other mom's who might be affected by this. You are not alone and it's okay to tell someone you can't handle it alone. Thanks Sarah for being a wonderful friend, a wonderful mother, and giving Post Partum Depression another voice.
How was your pregnancy?
I had a wonderful pregnancy. I loved every minute of it. I have to say I felt my most confident when I was with bump. I felt beautiful. I wish I still felt like that now! Now I feel flobby. I did not really suffer with any morning sickness. I just felt a bit nauseous at times. The worst I felt was during my last 2 weeks of being pregnant. I was 2 weeks overdue and I felt pretty pukey then, and had to slow down with my exercise regime. Up until 40 weeks I was running about 3 miles a day and I practiced yoga every day. To be honest, I really miss being pregnant. I loved that intimacy of feeling Gwen move around inside. It was a private moment between the two of us.
Tell me about the delivery.
As you know, the delivery was less than what I had hoped for. I had imagined this perfect birth where I was able to give birth naturally and hold her in my arms and breastfeed her immediately, all the while crying tears of joy with Bill! I studied Hypbirthing for 9 months! I planned to do yoga and meditate whilst laboring. I managed it for 8 hours until everything went pear-shaped! I was so disappointed.
It was horrible being so high on drugs that I couldn't really feel anything..... AND they took her straight from me and only let me hold her for about a minute before whisking her off to the Transition Nursery. It was ghastly. I felt so groggy afterwards and so out of it. The next morning when the anesthesiologist came in I begged him to take out my epidural, because the Fentanyl was making me so sleepy. I just wanted to FEEL already! Of course, I took it out too soon and started oral meds and then I was really sore! But at least I had a clear head. Kind of! I felt wired the whole time I was in hospital. Looking back, it doesn't even seem real. I was in a whirlwind of emotions and Gwennie was really difficult those first few days. I didn't get hardly any sleep and she cried nearly all the time, poor little thing was so hungry. She wouldn't eat properly because they suctioned her so heavily at delivery.
How were things when you got home?
Once I got home things improved slowly. My Mum stayed with us for 2 weeks. I don't know what I would have done without her to be honest. She was my lifesaver. I was very weepy and unstable the first week...... my hormones were all over the place. To be honest, the first 10 weeks were REALLY hard. Now I understand why everyone says, "If you can get through the first 12 weeks, you will be okay!" They are so right. It's hard to grasp that though when you haven't been through it before and don't know what to expect and you are having all these crazy feelings.
When did you know something was wrong?
Gwen was extremely colicky. She would start to get grumpy around 2-3pm and it would go on till about midnight each day. It was so exhausting. She would cry and cry and scream and it felt as though nothing I did would appease her. I tried EVERYTHING! I read a zillion books, all different philosophies, things would work for a while and then that method wouldn't work anymore after a while. I was so tired and I felt such a failure because I couldn't soothe my child. I began to get down on myself and it quickly spiraled. I felt really socially isolated. I would struggle all day with her and poor Bill would come home to a screaming baby and an emotional wreck of a wife. We continued to struggle with the breastfeeding. We went to see a lactation specialist and again, it helped for a while but after a few weeks of success, Gwen acted like my milk just wasn't satiating her. I was like, "Crap! I can't breastfeed..... I couldn't even give birth properly!" In the end, every time Gwen cried, I cried too. I would physically and mentally deflate. I told Bill it was all hopeless; that I had made a terrible mistake and that I should never have thought I could make a good mother. Poor guy, he just didn't know what to do with me. I knew in the end that I needed help when I would imagine Gwen flying through the air and hitting the wall and I would picture myself in the bath tub slitting my wrists. I kept thinking, "Which knife in the kitchen would be sharp enough to really cut my wrists with?" It was horrific to feel like that. I knew I needed to do something about it immediately.
What did you do then?
Eventually, I got help from my Mum's best friend, who is a seasoned nurse and Mother/Baby expert. She is British too. We talked a lot and she acted like a therapist for me! She was an angel. I made an appointment to see the Midwife at my OB's office. The Midwife said that everything I am feeling is perfectly normal and that so many women go through this. She has recommended that I get some counseling just to make sure that everything is ok. She prescribed Zoloft for me. It is wonderful because I really feel no effects of being on antidepressants (when I was on Lexapro a few years back, I felt really dizzy), but they just seem to take off the edge. Mind you as soon as I admitted I had a problem, things seemed to get better. I became at peace with myself. I gradually weaned Gwen onto formula only, she improved greatly and seemed more satisfied. She started to sleep longer and the crying jags in the afternoon/evening stopped! It felt like a miracle.
Everyone kept downplaying how I was feeling. My Mum was on holiday, so we were out of touch for a while. My SIL and Stoss were the ones who recognized something might be going on and I was able to talk to them, thank God. Stoss has a support group in the UK for women with Postpartum Depression and also for fathers with either wives who have PPD or have it themselves. Yes, men can get it too! There are no support groups for it here in Orlando, which is just crazy, I think. Anyway, just being able to talk it over with both Cindy and Stoss REALLY helped. They both experienced it after the birth of one of their children. It was such a relief to hear that someone else had experienced the dreadful thoughts/feelings that I was having. Stoss says it is a prevalent condition in women who experience difficult labors. In the UK women who go through this are give the opportunity to go back to the hospital and sit down with a nurse and go through their chart minute-by-minute to re-experience the L&
process they had. It is good closure for them and so great, because once they whisk you off to surgery and pump you full of drugs, you really don't remember any of it. It's so disappointing. You are hoping for this wondrous moment when your baby is passed to you and cry and then breastfeed and bond with her. What really happens after a c-section is that you get to look at her for 2 seconds before she is whisked away for hours whilst you are left crucified on the table feeling like you are on the Yellow Submarine and oh-my-God am I going to throw up now?How did you feel about the situation?
Am I embarrassed about all this? Absolutely! Yet I want to share what has happened to me because I never imagined it would and maybe I can help someone else in turn. I am already thinking about starting up a PPD Support Group here in town. I am sure there is a great need for it. Almost every mother I have spoken to has experienced a similar thing.
How are you handling things now?
Now, I just take each day one at a time. I have gone from being a control freak to being very laid back and Que Sera. I am gaining confidence as a Mum and I am more able to take on problems by the horns now rather than collapse and admit defeat. Now I am back to enjoying being a Mummy. Gwen is smiling, chatting, and moving around so much. She is great fun to be with. We just got back from a trip to Seattle. Gwen was an angel on the flights. I was so nervous about flying with her too! But she was perfect. The whole trip she was amazing! Delightful, easy, I can't believe it! Thank you God! It gave me back some confidence, that's for sure! Now I feel confident about taking her everywhere with us. She traveled well. We took her to restaurants with us, to a wedding, shopping, for walks, the lot! She was great! And easy.
I have to say though....... the ENTIRE time since Gwen arrived...... there are certain times during the day when I just stare at her and could eat her all up. I cannot believe that I produced something so beautiful. She is so adorable it almost breaks my heart.
I truly have a new found appreciation for all mothers. Any woman who gets through those first few months without a colicky baby and/or PPD is truly blessed. I am never one to say "Woe is me!" I am glad I had those experiences because it means that I can hopefully help someone else in return one day, because I truly understand what it is like to go through that.
Anything else you want to say?
My advice to any Mummy going through difficult times is PLEASE don't be alone. Reach out and talk to someone you love and trust or to someone with experience. You'll be surprised just how many women have been through similar experiences to you. It really helps to share the load. You don't have to be alone. Just because you are feeling this way doesn't mean you are a bad mother. Of course you love your child, but there are a lot of things to cope with emotionally and physically after the arrival of your baby. The saying "It takes a village to raise a child" has true meaning for me. We shouldn't try coping all by ourselves.
I want to say thank you to Sarah for opening herself up to me and to all the other mom's who might be affected by this. You are not alone and it's okay to tell someone you can't handle it alone. Thanks Sarah for being a wonderful friend, a wonderful mother, and giving Post Partum Depression another voice.
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Comment by JoH
Thankfully, I did not suffer with PPD but know quite a few lovely people who did / do. It is heartbreaking.
There should be more people like Sarah, willing to speak out and be heard. Thank you.